May I
by piper maru duchovny
Summary: Healing is a road best not traveled alone. Danny/Austin. Established Love Like Crazy AU.
1. Chapter 1

**This story decided to write itself. Grand total will probably be around four chapters but we'll see. Just a quick reference, in this story Austin is seventeen and a high school graduate while Danny is nineteen and playing in the minor leagues. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything recognizable. **

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><p><em>All I want is to keep you safe from the cold,<br>To give you all that your heart needs most,  
>Let me raise you up, let me be your love<br>_-May I by Trading Yesterday;

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><p>She looks like hell; raven tendrils escape the loose braid that one of the nurses did after her shower and her body is swimming in his plaid and jeans that used to be skin tight. The chapped skin of her lower lip peels off beneath the harsh rakes of her thumb nail and her feet betray her cool exterior with their incessant tapping on the tile floor of her hospital room. Danny sits close beside her, a hair's breadth between them, but not touching because she can't handle it right now. She can't handle anything.<p>

She's broken.

Her father succeeded.

Fifty-seven stitches between the incision to repair the broken bones around her eye and the deep gashes from falling into her mother's glass table let her know just how broken she is. Butterfly bandages replaced the stitches the day before but it doesn't do much to make it better. She jumps at loud noises, gentle touches, and slamming doors. Jack Hawthorne won this round.

"Danny." She breathes his name like the prayer it is and her fingers dare to twine with his.

He exhales slowly. "Almost done, love, almost done."

"Then we'll go, right?" He's already promised but she's almost expecting everything to go terribly wrong. "Away?"

"Austin," he speaks her name and waits until their eyes meet. "We'll go. I've already got your stuff in the car."

She nods once before drawing her knees to her chest. He holds onto her hand, anchoring her like always has. The routine is almost second nature these days; he waits patiently while she folds deeply into herself, gives her a few moments to find her control again, and then he gently untangles her limb by limb. This time he starts with her legs and pulls each one back out before she can tense. He's mindful of her wounds as he unravels the tangled ball of pain that she's become.

"I'm sorry."

He presses a gentle kiss to her shoulder before nuzzling his nose just beneath her ear. "I love you, Austin Grace."

Tears pool in the ducts beneath emerald eyes and she chokes on her words. "H-h-how?"

"This," he pauses to let the word settle and encompass the world they now reside in, "this is just a page in the book, Austin. Not the whole story. We'll fill the pages that are left with all the good things, okay? Anything you have ever wanted that is good; jumping on the bed, singing along with Nirvana, trips to Florida that end with us in Canada – that's what we'll fill the book with."

"I love you too," her voice almost disappears between them, "but-"

His lips cut her off before she can finish the thought. Danny's always had a specific way of kissing her that makes her head spin and this time is no different; his lips insistent but soft against hers and her teeth nipping in an unveiled attempt to claim her as his for the rest of their lives. They only manage to part when the nurse clears her throat and extends a packet of information to the patient.

"Thank you," Austin accepts the papers with a soft blush.

The older woman laughs and gives her a pen to sign her life away. "You think you're the first couple that I've caught necking on release day?"

She chuckles and smiles softly. "Thank you. For everything."

"Hush, child," the nurse replies, "just take care of yourself."

Austin nods before climbing in the waiting wheel chair. Danny grabbed her duffel bag and placed it gently on her lap before heading for the car he borrowed from Don. She relaxes in the chair and tilts her head to look back at him as they journey through the never-ending, dimly lit corridors while he smiles down at her and presses a kiss to her forehead. "Your range of motion is already coming back."

"Well, you know me, I always have to lead the curve."

Don's car is a crappy little Chevy Celebrity but it was means of egress and that was the important part. Austin settled in the passenger seat while Danny returned the wheelchair and rolled down the window to release the day's heat that was captured inside. Her finger traced over the crucifix that hung from the rear view mirror and a quick glance told her that someone had cleaned up her blood that had spilled across the backseat two weeks ago when the boys had come to her rescue. The small amount of clothes and belongings that she had gathered over the years now took up the bench seat and she was eternally grateful to Danny and her mother for taking care of the packing. She didn't think she would ever be able to walk back into her parent's house.

Austin couldn't stop the startle that shook her body when Danny opened the door to get in. He didn't let it bother him, though, and she was grateful. "Let's go home, okay?"

Home. The word had once meant the hell that her father kept her captured in but now it meant a cramped loft in Brooklyn that Danny had spent all his hard-earned money on. He had met with the lady who owned the building and used his baseball money in combination with the small trust that his grandfather had left him to put down first and last months' rent. She almost couldn't believe it but he had brought photos to show her while she recovered from the second surgery on her face; the loft was beautiful and more than they really needed but it gave them room to grow.

The drive through Manhattan and across the bridge into Brooklyn seemed to take no time at all as she watched her beloved city pass her by. Part of her was so excited to be free but she couldn't shake the fear that this wouldn't last, that her father would drag her back home and put her through hell for daring to leave. Her hand aches for Danny's but she grabs the knob for the stereo instead; she turns the volume up and lets the sounds of Social Distortion pull her away from all of this. Her eyes flutter closed while she focuses on keeping her heart beating, her breathing even, because it's all seconds from falling apart. She is seconds from falling apart.

Danny's hand finds hers on the console between their seats and she knows that, if she asked, he would pull over and wrap her up in his arms, let her lose herself in him, but she can't right now. The touch of his skin against hers still causes her heart to hammer but it also makes her chest clinch and her stomach revolt. She doesn't want this; she wants to kiss him and let everything pour from her lips, she wants his body wrapped tightly around hers, and she wants the outpouring of love that always sits precariously on the tip of his tongue. She wants to love him and let him love her but all she can manage is a meek squeeze to the tips of his fingers.

He parks Don's beater in front of the red brick building that had once been a warehouse. During the gentrification movement, the city had morphed the rundown building into several beautiful lofts and they were lucky enough to gain residence in one of them. She's always loved old buildings like this and dreamed of living in them but never really believed that she would. "Leave it to Daniel Messer to make my dreams come true."

"Austin," he spoke softly as he helped her out of the car, "you deserve for something to go right."

"Well, thanks for being my white knight."

He kissed her lightly before grabbing the bag from the floorboard and swinging it over his shoulder. "I'll come back for the rest of your boxes later. Let's get you settled first."

He kept one arm locked around her waist while he unlocked the main door to the building and ushering her in. An elevator sat off to the left in the foyer and Danny lead her past a series of mailboxes to it as they road to the level that their loft sat on. The doors opened and he used a second key to let her into the loft; she gasped at the sight.

It was sparsely decorated; an overstuffed plaid sofa sat in the middle of the living room next to a milk crate full of books and another filled with CDs while their boom box and TV sat on the floor against the wall that was covered in a large AC/DC poster. He lead her over to the couch and helped her ease herself onto the cushions. "I know it's not much to look at yet but you have some recovery time ahead of you so I figured I'd leave the decorating up to you when you're bored."

"It's perfect."

In a moment of wild abandon, she let her guard drop and raised up to kiss him fully. Her fingers found purchase on the lobes of his ears and she yanked him closer even though her body protested. It was rather chase compared to kisses in the past but it was more than she had allowed herself to have in the past two weeks. She let go of him slowly. "I love you."

"I love you too." He smiled. "Welcome home."

She smiled back and echoed softly, "Home."


	2. Chapter 2

_When the world is closing in and you can't breathe,  
>May I love you, may I be your sheild?<br>_-May I by Trading Yesterday;

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><p>Bruises still dared to mar her porcelain skin as she sleeps restlessly on the couch; her right leg kicks at the back, her left hand clings desperately to a cushion, and tears spill frantically onto the pillow, even though she hasn't awaken. The doctor had removed her bandages two days prior at her follow up appointment and signed off on her case after recommending that she see an optometrist about getting fit for reading glasses - her vision was acceptable but reading caused her blinding headaches. Danny had taken her to get a pair before he had to leave for his weekend away game and they were now resting beside a worn copy of <em>A Tree Grows in Brooklyn<em> by Betty Smith. Books were her most prevalent companion these days; they had a VCR but no television, Danny and Don were busy with work, and all her fears rest outside the protection the apartment provided.

Her day had been long and exhausting, just how she liked them now, Don had picked her up. They had spent the day in his buddy's garage in Manhattan replacing the brakes and changing the oil in his car; he was practically useless when it came to automobile knowledge so Austin had talked him through most of it and helped where there was no heavy lifting involved. She had laughed for the first time since the incident when Don got a face full of engine oil because he hadn't placed the pan correctly. Their short relationship had proved, if nothing else, that they were good for one another as best friends; Don Flack had a way of making her laugh and forget her pain. Memories haunted her and threatened to pull her under with every turn but he stood beside her, gently coaxing her through them, with his soft voice calling to her, _"Stay with me, Grace. Right here with me"_.

He had dropped her off at the loft just after five with a bag of Chinese food, milk crate full of books from the dime store, and new batteries for her portable CD player. Don waited until he heard the deadbolt turn before he rolled his knuckles against the wood as a way of goodbye and left for dinner with his parents before returning to the academy for another week of training. Austin had sat between the back of the couch and the wall, food spread out before her, nose buried in a book, and Nirvana pouring from her headphones. Sleep had won her over a few hours later and she crawled onto the couch with the cartons of egg rolls and Kung Pao still on the floor.

Exhaustion was her only means of rest now, the doctor had given her a prescription for sleeping pills but they left her feeling sick and foggy all day, so she spent her days burning the candle at both ends until she couldn't keep her eyes open. The bed was too big without Danny there to keep her warm and the couch left horrible kinks in her back but it was better than nothing. She fought hard against the tangled blanket, attacking an invisible enemy that dared to enter her state of dream. "No, no, no, no."

The door to the loft opened slowly, Danny stepped in and dropped his bag of gear on the floor; he had caught an express flight back immediately after the game because worry had ate away at him. Until his Graceless was better there would be no long weekends celebrating wins with his teammates or fancy hotels when there were red eye flights back to the woman who needed him now more than ever. At the sight of her struggling, he kicked the door closed and rushed to her side. A hand on her shoulder caused her to recoil and scream. "Austin, baby, wake up."

"Don't touch me." Her arms swung violently and caught the side of Danny's face. Not bothering to inspect the damage, he wrapped his hands carefully but firmly around her wrists and pulled her into his arms to wrap himself around her before she could hurt herself. "Stop!"

"Austin wake up." His voice was strong and demanding in her ear, just like the doctors had told him to do, but soft undertones of pleading leaked through. "Austin Grace, you need to wake up."

She let out a scream that made his blood curdle before her eyes opened wide and she fought her way out of his arms to regurgitate into the trashcan beside the couch. His fingers raked the raven curls back from her face and he rubbed gentle circles on her back until she was done. "Danny, what?"

"It's okay," he silenced and reached around her to grab a water bottle from the coffee table. "Drink." He pressed a butterfly of a kiss to her shoulder and fought back the sting when she jerked away. "It's okay, Austin, you're fine. He isn't going to hurt you again."

He would kill Jack Hawthorne before he let the man get anywhere near her again.

"But he still is." Her voice was broken and a fresh round of tears threatened to spill as her body shook.

He grabbed the blanket from the couch and wrapped it gently around her, careful not to touch her. "He's not going to hurt you anymore, Austin."

"I just want it to stop, Danny." Her nails dug deep into her palms as she drew into herself. "I want the nightmares to go away and I want to stop being terrified when someone knocks on the door. I want to be able to let you hold me and not cringe. I want to be able to hug Don when he goes out and buys me stupid stuff to keep me occupied when you all are gone. I want to be better. I don't want to be like this."

He scooted closer to her on the couch. "May I touch you?"

She nodded once. "Yes."

"What are the safe places right now?"

Austin held out her hands and he cradled them in his own. His lips danced over the places on her palm where her nails had drawn blood before coming to rest on the pulse point of her wrist. The steady thump, thump, thump permeated through the soft flesh and he let the reassuring beat give him strength. She was alive and he needed to be the strong one. Pulling back, he undid the buttons of his uniform shirt and slid her hand across the hard expanse of his chest to rest over his own heart where the staccato beat in time with hers. His fingers found the pulse on her wrist and they sat looking at each other for a long time, their hearts beating to the same nameless tune.

Her eyes began to flutter close and he moved so she could stretch out on the couch before tucking the blanket around her. "Don't leave."

"I'm right here, love." He situated himself on the floor beside her. He found her hand again and twined their fingers together. "You're safe."

"I'm sorry I'm such a mess."

He rose up on his knees and pressed a kiss to the back of her hand. "Never apologize for being a mess, not when it means that you're still alive."


	3. Chapter 3

_But I can see when the lights start to fade,_  
><em>The day is done and your smile has gone away,<em>  
><em>Let me raise you up, let me be your love <em>

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><p>Traumatized doesn't seem to be an adequate word anymore; she jumps at strange noises, sleeps between the couch and the wall when Danny isn't there, refuses to leave the apartment unless one of her boys makes her. Exhaustion has set deep in her bones and she doesn't feel like a day will come when she won't be tired. For the past three weeks she has burnt the candle at both ends with sleep only coming when she passes out face first on the decrepit couch. She wants to sleep, she wants to exist and not be terrified, she wants to not feel like nothing will be right ever again.<p>

Chalky white and blue pills form lines like soldiers in battle prepared to save her, take her away from everything. The pain killers are lined up closest to the edge of the counter with the sleeping pills falling in line behind prepared to take her away. Austin's been wondering for days how many pairs it would take before her eyes drifted close only to never open again. Though she was raised in the Catholic church, Austin has her doubts as to what afterlife may exist and, well, right now she has a beef with God so big that if, by some miracle, she got into heaven then she would give the Big Man so much hell that he would dethrone Satan and give the title to her. She imagines dark, never ending darkness, and that's all she wants. Peace, quiet, freedom.

Her whole body shakes as she lifts the first pill and presses the dusty white capsule to her lips and bile rises in her throat. Slowly, she lowers the pill back to the counter and leans heavily against the sink as she throws up. She can't do this. Her father might have won the battle but, dammit, Austin Grace Hawthorne will win the war. Austin won't let Danny come home that night to find her body prone on the kitchen floor with foam at the mouth and empty pill bottles beside her. She is not that girl. She will not take the easy way out. Barely managing to remain standing, she swiftly returns the pills to their rightful bottles before slipping to the cold tile floor of their small kitchen. Tears once again fall without her permission and she curls into a ball as her body racks with sobs. Nothing about this is okay and now she's not just terrified of her father but of herself.

The door opens awhile later and the smell of tacos finds her before she hears his familiar footfall and keys sliding across the table by the entryway. He finds her in the kitchen still on her knees with arms protectively wrapped around her stomach and eyes puffy red from the crying jag. Without a word, he places the bag of food on the counter and kneels next to her. These days he is careful not to touch her and treats her like fragile china, mostly it's maddening but she's grateful for his respect. His arms open to her and she crawls into his warm embrace as a fresh round of tears dampen the shoulder of his button down shirt.

"I'm not okay, Danny." The words are barely above a whisper and she almost chokes on them.

"You will be." He promises.

Austin shakes her head and cries harder. "I want it to end. All of it. Everything. I want to die because death has to be better than living in fear when someone knocks on the door. He should have just killed me because that would be better than this."

"Stop." Danny's voice is forceful for the first time in a month and his grip on her chin is firm but not brutal as he forces her face up to look at him. "Stop it right now, Austin Grace. I don't want to hear those words out of your mouth ever again."

"Danny." She fights the urge to recoil from his touch. _Danny is a good touch. Danny will never be Jack Hawthorne. Danny is good. Danny is love. _

"Austin." He stands and yanks her to her feet. "We are not accepting defeat. Do you hear me? Death is not an option because you survived. Baby with all the blood you lost there is no logical reason that you should be here. He kicked your face so hard that you should have lost the sight in your eye if not the whole thing. The shards of glass should have pierced an organ. But they didn't. And you managed to get yourself up off the bloody couch and to the window so I could pull you out. You fought. You may not have physically fought him but you are alive and that means you won. You won, love, and he didn't. He lost. He lost a long time ago when he first hit you because he lost the right to love you. And to love you is the greatest reward."

"Danny, stop." Austin plead.

"No." He pressed his lips firmly against hers and cradled her bruised jaw, his thumb brushing away her falling tears. "I love you, Austin. And I will not live without you."

"I need help." She whispered. "Please, Danny, it's too big for either one of us."

"The doctors gave me a list of therapists that specialize in cases like yours." He held her hand and let her pulse reassure him. "Maybe we should make some phone calls and get you an appointment."

Austin nodded. "Tomorrow?"

He nodded his agreement. "Are you hungry?"

"No." She shook her head. "But I'll eat anyway."

"Good." He grabbed the bag and then her hand, leading her to the couch.

She stopped short and pulled him back to her. Austin stood up on her tiptoes and pressed her lips to his. "I love you, Daniel."

"I love you too."


End file.
